Well, babies are everywhere in 6163 at the moment, if they haven't arrived, they are on their way, and there is lots of big beautiful bellies being shown off in all their glory, lots of talk - about names, birth stories, siblings, and much anticipation, and there is the inevitable question from and to others .... will you have another ?
Despite my answer always being "no", it always feels a little awkward, I always hesitate as if I am reconsidering (which I'm not), and I am always taken aback that people would think I would be having another, and yet it is a natural enough question, I guess. These days it seems being 40 is certainly not an age that prohibits women from having children. This is very different to my mother's generation who, at 35, found out she was pregnant with me (a very BIG mistake following some 8 years since the birth of my brother and 10 since my sister) and was devastated at what people would think of her being such an old mother ! and certainly I didn't meet many classmates who had a mum as old as mine. Hilarious to think I was the same age as that when I had my first !
Yet despite my certainty of this family of four remaining just that - its strange how I am suddenly starting to feel a sense of loss and a feeling that I'm missing out on something, and yet I have already have two! I see babies everywhere now - like when you buy a yellow car and that is all you see on the roads.
I find myself thinking I would love to be back there - in baby/pregnant world - (just for a day or two) anticipating the arrival of a new life, new personality, experiencing all that joy with your partner. I would love to watch another child grow, knowing as I do now how much each child is so different, and the joy you get from watching them develop, and how you start to make the links from the baby they were to the child they are growing up to be. I would like to breastfeed for one more time, stroking my baby's head while their little hands rest on you. I think about how I would like to be able to use my new found wisdom and skills that I have not only acquired but improved - wow how that third child would really benefit from all that I now know. But then I realise I wouldn't have the time to be the better mum I know I could be third time round because I would still be dealing with all the uncertainty of what the first is going through, the challenges of what the second child needs from me, and all the guilt, anxiety and fatigue that seems to deliver to me (as well as the joy, laughter, and sense of purpose)
And so it is that by the time I have imagined that little newborn in my life, and what that would really mean for me and us, I realise the answer is 'no'. In my moments of clarity (they are brief but they do happen), I know I have to focus on being present for the two that I am blessed to have, and attempt to be that better mum for them.
So I guess Ill just hold someone else's baby every now and again, accept that I just wont hold my own ever again, and try not to cry at this thought or see it as a loss or weakness, but just ...what it is.
